Where I am now

I guess I have come to a part of my life that I say " Well, Deb, you must be officially matured because you have been through some crap lately and you aren't freaking out." So.. here I go.

" Well, Deb, you must be officially matured because you have been through some crap lately and you aren't freaking out."

Are the things I have been facing lately really just less dramatic than past circumstances or have I matured ? Am I eating to compensate for the stress ? Am I just crazy and I am not dealing with it by blocking it out , therefore it just seems less stressful.

Probably all of the above.

Over the holidays when my phone was dinging every ten minutes with yet another ( sorry ) but DUMB question or comment from a parent. Or I was receiving a phone call from a grandparents whining about why her grand daughters Letter to Santa wasn't in the paper I decided to change my cell number. "Well... if she came to school when she was supposed to and mom wasn't too lazy to drive her in this wouldn't even be an issue . So, before you start crawling up my back about a Letter to Santa maybe you should address your daughter about her parenting skills that most likely YOU passed on to HER." There.. I said it. Only in my head and here.. because I have better manners than to hurt someone that way. I wish people had the same respect for me.

I think I came dangerously close to having a mid life crisis. Ok Ok I did. I forgot to be thankful for what I have. I won't go into details but lets just say Mid Life crisis' are VERY REAL. It is like a cougar crawls inside your body and says.. you are getting OLD... LIVE! YOU DESERVE IT AT ANY COST ! Meow.... thankfully , I tamed the kitty before she did too much damage. ( Lord knows I committed several unspeakable sins in my head so the follow through wasn't necessarily needed. )

Danielle moved back home. So far so good. She is very responsible and we are loving having her here. The first few weeks she did have a little fun but I look at that as her coming out party. Coming out of a TERRIBLE relationship where a man made her feel less than worthy of anything she deserved. So party a little she did and I just smiled and made sure she was safe . There were a few that judged her. That is when you find out who your real friends are. You know them.. the friends who's kids are perfect. ............... so far.

The diet.

THE diet.

The DIET.

I just finished off a bag of carmel popcorn. I'll leave it at that.

I have so many more things to write about. I love blogging . It makes me feel better. I think I allowed face booking to take up this method of coping with life for me. And well. ... those one liner status updates aren't working for me much anymore. Here I can be myself. Here I can rant and rave and I don't have to worry if anyone "likes" it or not.

Happy to be back.

Life is like a railroad

Life is like riding a train . Sometimes slow and you can enjoy the scenery. Sometimes fast . Sometime you go in a tunnel and it is very dark but always.. there is a light as you come to the end.

This morning I got up and walked over 4 miles. It felt really good. I think I have made a turn in my thinking . When I got up working out was my third thought.

Thought one : Thanking the Lord for a new day and all the blessings.

Thought two: censored.

Thought three: I WANT TO GO WALK!

I thought I would never hear myself say I WANT to work out, but I did. Now, if this old body can just cooperate with me and get in shape, that would be great.

Ok, met me get back on track... get it ... track? Railroad track.

As I ride this journey of life out there are some things that I have learned.

When my train is slow I have learned :

To look and listen for blessings .. because we all know -

I have learned to enjoy those seated around me, they might not always be there.

I have learned to enjoy the slow paths because right around the curve might be a hill that causes me to race like a crazy woman.

When my train is fast I have learned to breath.... just breath.

I have learned to let others help pull me along, I cant do it alone.

Enjoy the breeze.. let my hair down and feel the peace blow through me.

When I go through a tunnel.

MAN, dont you hate the tunnels?

I have learned to keep my eyes open and try to adjust to the darkness so I can see but always know there is a light.

There is always a light.

There is always a light.

And last.. a train almost always carries baggage. I have a little myself. Some that no one even knows about. My baggage is heavy and can weigh me down. I need to unload it ever once in a while. If I dont unload it, I cant help carry anyone elses baggage and helping ... is important.

No sure where this blog came from or why...

but... toot toot.. it's over.

Seeking Shelter

Tonight there was a tornado warning. In all honesty if a HUGE tornado had not just hit Joplin and killed several people, I think I might have not looked for a " fraidy" hole. Well, also - my grand daughter was at the shelter and the thought of being anywhere but where SHE was during a bad storm made me ill. There is just something about being near your kids when there is imminent danger.

The tornado's passed by us. Thank the Lord we are all safe.

We went by and picked up Addam on our way to JBU. He came; but reluctantly. You could tell that he thought it was stupid. Addam does NOT like crowds... As we walked into the JBU Health Complex and you could see huge crowds of people he paused and I heard him quietly groan.

What he doesnt know is that the only other time in my life I have been to a storm shelter was when I was EXTREMELY pregnant with him. We lived in Fort Walton Beach and there was a hurricane warning. The doctor suggested since I was ready to deliver to stay at the hospital. I was near time so I secretly hoped that barometric pressure would dip or surge ( WHATEVER they expected) and cause his little body to make it's entrance. He didnt... he stayed very quiet all night and waited in the hallways for the danger to pass.

Much like tonight..... very quiet... and waiting for the storm to pass.

I DO appreciate him and love that he gave in to my panic to be near them and went with us.

Thanks Addam :)

The New Me

The New Me -

loves to read again.

Likes to shop - a little too much.

is leading a Bible study ( I know... right ?)

is becoming a little eccentric.

Loves monkey's in clothing pictures. ( see above )

Likes to work out ( as long as I dont forget my sports bra... otherwise dangerous. )

Doesnt wear my shirts quite as low cut .

Loves to cook every night ( but never gets around to it. )

thinks almonds are over rated.

Wants to write a love story.. or song.

will almost... a.l.m.o.s.t. look at herself in the mirror while getting out of the shower.

wore fake eyelashes once and now I am dying to do it again.

loves red dresses almost as much as black

wants to go on a cruise

sometimes wishes she could go away and pretend to be someone else- someone without expectations.

is driven but in a different way... driven to live not succeed.

believes that living is success.

still loves making memories.

The new me... is a lot like the old me ; only better and

a

little

more

honest

with

herself.

The Different Christmas

This Christmas was different. This year, was the first without mom . As I busied myself getting ready for the holiday festivities I couldnt help but think about my mom and how hard last Christmas had to have been for my mom. It was her first without my dad. She tried so hard to be strong... and she was . I tried to be strong this year. I think I have a little of my mom's courage and determination ... or maybe I'm just stubborn and hard. This Christmas was different.

I replaced a lot of my old decorations with new bright eccentric whimsical ones. I love them. They were a signature of my year and the new outlook I have . If it makes me smile , isnt a sin against God and doesnt hurt anyone - WHY NOT!? So, I started collecting monkey pictures. Not just normal monkeys but monkeys in clothes. I LOVE them! New home decor incorporating silly monkeys that make me smile and new whimsical pretties for the holidays.

Then there were the little changes - like instead of turkey we had ham. Instead of Christmas Eve with my brother we did it on a Monday night the week before. I moved the tree that has ALWAYS been in the foyer to the dining room. We had three parties within a week and a half and I used a lot of boxes instead of wrapping paper - ha !

This year we got to see Geneviette wake up and find that Santa had come to our house. What a joy to see the belief. The night before we watched a video message from Santa. G's eyes were as big as buttons. Some people believe playing Santa is a lie and wrong to tell children. So is saying " Honey, I'll help you in just a minute " while you talk on the phone and know it will be 20 more minutes. So, I chose to be honest when it counts and BELIEVE ! She knows Christmas is to celebrate Christ's birthday. Get over it.. :)

This year we had a new , different family with us. Randy's new found son Jonathon and his family came to visit. We had a grand time getting to know them better and figuring out how we all will fit together as a family. Adding 6 over night can really add to the chaos of Christmas. We went to Branson for a few days. The last thing we did was go see " The Christmas Miracle". " The Christmas Miracle" is about the birth of Christ. At one point as a host of angels was singing " Glory to God" I turned to look at Randy and his eyes were filled with tears. I knew at that moment he was thinking the same thing I was - wow.. mom and dad and his mom and son are all up there.. singing right now at the throne of God. What a precious moment as our hearts were meeting at the same time and place. The time with Jonathon and his sweet family was well spent. I know this is the first of many different Christmas's with them.

Yes, this Christmas was different but in many ways and the most important ways it was the same. Our kids were here to celebrate with us. We are blessed with too much - stuff. And Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Mississippi you're on my mind

I am in Mississippi.

Maybe I should back up.

Several weeks ago Randy got a letter that he thought was a joke. Surely, it would have been one in bad taste but I knew it didnt sound like a joke. A lady that Randy had a one night stand with in his younger days said " she had a 23 year old son that wanted to know who his father is." Really? At this time, my mom was being placed in hospice. This was all way too much to deal with. Thankfully my weightloss doctor has me on anti depressants to counter the other medications I am taking. I dont know what it feels like to need medication to get through days- but I am sure I would have needed something - anything at this point. Instead, I just shrugged my shoulders and said " Oh well... it isnt the worst thing that has happened this year. We'll figure it out."

After a few emails and trying to decipher this ladies motives and intentions we were confused. I mean, seriously, why wait 23 years ? Then again.. God's timing is perfect. As mom got more sick we just had to set this problem aside. When we had taken care of moms affairs and life had slowed down a little we decided to get a DNA test done.

Last Thursday Randy and I were driving to a concert - cruising down 540 on our way to Booneville. My phone " dinged" with an email. As I opened it I realized something that could potentially change our family forever was waiting on the other side of that PDF. I didnt understand what all the report had to say so I called the help line. As she told me that Randy's test was 99.99 percent positive I drew in a deep breath. After getting off the phone , I told Randy. It was a long quiet drive to Booneville. Then, we put on those happy faces and sang our heart out to kids for an hour. After the show we went to have dinner and finally talked. Randy cried. He had done this a few times before when we talked about this. I am sure his heart was a mess.

Yesterday we laid to rest my cousins 21 year old cousins daughter. I sang " Tears in Heaven " . Life taken away.

Afterwards we drove to Mississippi to meet Jonathon. Life given.

Jonathon and Alecia seem to be a nice family. They have four children. We met one, Parker, a cute energetic little red haired one year old. Randy and Jonathon look a lot alike. One of my favorite features on Randy is his arms and hands. I dont know why. Jonathon has his dads arms and hands. As I looked at Jonathon I tried to imagine Randy that young and couldnt help but be a little jealous that I didnt know Randy 23 years ago.

In my heart I know I was born to be a mother - a caretaker. I would have loved to have a baby with Randy, but I didnt. This lady did though.. that he doesnt even remember.

Opps.. there it goes. You knew my feelings would surface eventually instead of just being a report . I am not sure how all this will go. I know that God has a plan in our lives and it isnt my job to second guess him. All the "weird" feelings I have about this are selfish and that isnt good. So, I am putting on my big girl panties and dealing. We are blessed to have this happen now.. and with this sweet family.

It'll be ok.

So... here we are in Mississippi .

Mom

Eight days after posting my last entry - my mom went home to heaven. Here are some things that are forever etched into my memory and my heart about those last days. ( This will be long- grab a cup of coffee . )

The day we brought mom home and the hospice nurse came to visit with us to tell us what we would expect to see as mom started her final journey home. She got there in the evening on Thursday night . There were little things that told us she knew mom was almost there. We were going over mom's medicine and when we came to the synthroid , which she had taken forever since her hysterectomy, the nurse said they dont provide that. Then she looked in the bottle and said " I think we'll be ok." It took a while to let what she meant soak in. I resisted the urge to count the pills to see how many pills/ slash days we had left with mom.

Keith and I decided to take time off work to be with mom. The doctor had told me a " few " weeks. Keith had went into work on Thursday. Thursday morning mom woke up and said " I'm ready" I said " ready for what mom?" She replied " To go see Jesus." I asked mom was she sure and was there anything that I needed to take care of . She said no. I asked her should I get Keith ? She said " yes, Keith needs to be here with us." Pam called Keith and he got on his way home.

Mom held on for a few more days and throughout the days there were a lot of things that she said that made us linger on every word.

" Turn him around , I cant see him" who mom? " my sheep, I cant see his face."

" Did you see those flowers? They were beautiful . They were right there."

" They called and said they are ready." Who mom? " The funeral home. Are you ready to go? They said they are ready for me."

One night while I was with mom alone my friend Beth came over to visit. I went in to check on mom and I said " Mom your feet are so swollen." She replied not for long. I said " What do you mean mom?" She said Isnt that what they told you that I wont be here much longer? WHAT DO YOU SAY? I said " yes , mom.. they did. How do you feel about that? " She said she was ready. I asked her was there anything I could do. She said no. I said " Do you think dad is there waiting on you?" She smiled and said yes.

I asked mom what she thought Heaven would be like. She said " It will be beautiful. No more sorrow no more pain.." I thought she was going to start singing.

I asked mom was she scared and she said no. Facing death but so sure of where she is going she had no fear at all.

My aunt , moms sister, came up to help us take care of her and to say goodbye. She was a huge help. One time as I walked out of the room she said mom said " Goodbye Deb, I love you. See you in Heaven."

Once we were all in moms room talking to her and telling her if she was hanging on for us that we would be ok... dont worry. As we cried, we heard a car pull up. Great timing , I think not, who will leave and go to the door? Randy did. It was Steve, our pastor . He said he was just in the neighborhood and felt the need to stop. He did. He prayed with us. What a comfort. What a reassurance that God was there, with us Great timing ? Yes.

Mom's nurse was sent from God. I think she was specially chosen.

The first day I met Genia she walked to my moms bedside and said " Ms Betty, I told you I was going to ask you this. Is it well with your soul?" My mom smiled and said " It is."

Genia said she felt she was there to be a vessel. She said she felt moms job on earth was not finished and she was there to help her do whatever it was she needed done. As she did procedures we could hear her singing . Later we found out that she prays for her patient and that is one of the ways she does it - through music.

Genia said that mom had touched her heart in such a short time.

Genia had touched ours.

When everyone thought that mom would have been gone Genia said " How much time do you spend together?" My brother said who? Me and my mom? She said " No, you and your sister." Keith explained not a lot that we both have very busy lives. Genia said " Wouldnt it be just like a mom to hang on a little longer to have you spend time together and remember how important it is?" Every Friday since then Keith has been at my house , just to check in. He calls. Mom would be proud that we are finding the time to reconnect.

In the last days Keith and I rarely left moms side. We hung on every word she said Until --- Genia told us something . She said she believes that when believers entered the gates of Heaven that the streets are lined with loved ones that had went before. Those people are telling her what a difference she made in their life and recounting all her good deeds. So, everything mom said might not be meant for us.

Genia was a blessing.

Keith, Pam, Randy and I spent moms last days spending time with her and looking through photo albums and talking. We started planning her funeral. She had requested two songs. I went to pick out her casket and Keith took care of the business end. We started to not feel like we had to be at her bedside every minute. By this time she had slipped into a coma . On Thursday evening all of us were around her bed talking and knew the time was close. One by one we all walked out . At 6:50 I walked into her room and waited for her to catch her breath. Many times she would have apnea for 30- 45 seconds at a time, which felt forever. She never did. As I called Keith and Pam back into the room we checked her pulse and then her blood pressure. As " Sheltered in the Arms of God" played on the CD player in her room, she entered the gates of Heaven.

I am sure my dad was standing there saying " what took you so long Betty?"

We did all the things we had been taught to do. Hospice arrived and we went outside. After they prepared mom and left with her we all sat outside on her patio.

A member of moms class had brought supper at 5:00. We had not eatten. The four of us took time together to have a meal as a family at moms. I am guessing for the last time. Mom and dad would have liked that.

Since then we have found notes from mom.

How she feeds the dog.

How to clean the silver.

and even a hand written poem she copied and tucked in her cookbooks called Dont Grieve for Me.

What a mom. Faithful in life. Faithful in Death. An example from beginning to end.

Thanks mom, we miss you .