Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Mississippi you're on my mind

I am in Mississippi.

Maybe I should back up.

Several weeks ago Randy got a letter that he thought was a joke. Surely, it would have been one in bad taste but I knew it didnt sound like a joke. A lady that Randy had a one night stand with in his younger days said " she had a 23 year old son that wanted to know who his father is." Really? At this time, my mom was being placed in hospice. This was all way too much to deal with. Thankfully my weightloss doctor has me on anti depressants to counter the other medications I am taking. I dont know what it feels like to need medication to get through days- but I am sure I would have needed something - anything at this point. Instead, I just shrugged my shoulders and said " Oh well... it isnt the worst thing that has happened this year. We'll figure it out."

After a few emails and trying to decipher this ladies motives and intentions we were confused. I mean, seriously, why wait 23 years ? Then again.. God's timing is perfect. As mom got more sick we just had to set this problem aside. When we had taken care of moms affairs and life had slowed down a little we decided to get a DNA test done.

Last Thursday Randy and I were driving to a concert - cruising down 540 on our way to Booneville. My phone " dinged" with an email. As I opened it I realized something that could potentially change our family forever was waiting on the other side of that PDF. I didnt understand what all the report had to say so I called the help line. As she told me that Randy's test was 99.99 percent positive I drew in a deep breath. After getting off the phone , I told Randy. It was a long quiet drive to Booneville. Then, we put on those happy faces and sang our heart out to kids for an hour. After the show we went to have dinner and finally talked. Randy cried. He had done this a few times before when we talked about this. I am sure his heart was a mess.

Yesterday we laid to rest my cousins 21 year old cousins daughter. I sang " Tears in Heaven " . Life taken away.

Afterwards we drove to Mississippi to meet Jonathon. Life given.

Jonathon and Alecia seem to be a nice family. They have four children. We met one, Parker, a cute energetic little red haired one year old. Randy and Jonathon look a lot alike. One of my favorite features on Randy is his arms and hands. I dont know why. Jonathon has his dads arms and hands. As I looked at Jonathon I tried to imagine Randy that young and couldnt help but be a little jealous that I didnt know Randy 23 years ago.

In my heart I know I was born to be a mother - a caretaker. I would have loved to have a baby with Randy, but I didnt. This lady did though.. that he doesnt even remember.

Opps.. there it goes. You knew my feelings would surface eventually instead of just being a report . I am not sure how all this will go. I know that God has a plan in our lives and it isnt my job to second guess him. All the "weird" feelings I have about this are selfish and that isnt good. So, I am putting on my big girl panties and dealing. We are blessed to have this happen now.. and with this sweet family.

It'll be ok.

So... here we are in Mississippi .