Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Hospice and the Long Good Bye

I am sitting in the dark next to my moms hospital bed waiting on the hospice doctor to come in. It is 9:25 pm, so perhaps I should realize that wont be tonight. Lets go back a few days.

Mom's health has been deteriorating rapidly. She has no sense of night or day and gets confused easy. As a family we decided we would take turns getting her in routine. Every morning I have been going and waking her up and getting her breakfast, making sure she takes her medicines and letting the dog out. Yesterday morning when I went in I let the dog out and popped in her room with my usual " too perky in the morning" GOOD MOOORning MOM. I looked at her bed and it was empty. For a brief second I felt optimistic that she had beat me up and was in the bathroom. As I started in the room, I realized how wrong I was, she was on the floor. I said . " Mom.." She said " I am ok, I just fell " I couldn't get her in bed and had to call for help. Surprisingly , I remained calm. I knew we had to get some answers to this drastic change in her . Keith and I brought mom to her oncologist and they gave her some IV meds, but still no answered questions. At one point in the day, one of the nurses asked me " were we comfortable taking her home ? " Well, I was a little nervous before but now that you asked.. I am VERY nervous about it. They decide to admit mom to Washington Regional. Keith stays the night. I get up and have an appointment with moms doctor at 8:30. I want to ask the BIG questions. These are questions that I think I know the answer to ,but I have to hear it from him.

As I sit in the waiting area of the oncologist office I am looking around the room. So many different people. An older lady walked by and commented on my sandals . " How cute". She sat with her husband. They were BOTH seeing the doctor and getting treatments. What an ordeal that must be. I doubt it is at all like the buddy system in weight watchers. There was a VERY young girl.. how scared she must be. As I looked around me I realized that although we all came from different walks of life, we were all going through the same things. They call my moms name.

I go back.

And wait.
And wait.

Dr Travis comes in and listens to me. He basically tells me that mom has fought a good fight. The treatments have taken a toll on her body and her mind. He said that dads death was hard on her. That mom is an " I'm fine" lady. No matter what happens in life she is " fine". He feels like she internalized all the feelings of loss with daddy. That, her health , the treatments all come down to one thing. A few weeks. A few weeks.... I took a deep breath. You mean, we have a few weeks left ? Yes... Whether we do treatment or not.

Wow.. I am going to lose my mom not even 6 months after losing my dad. Seriously? wow.

As Dr Travis and I finished our discussion he told me that hospice would be over to the hospital to set up a plan for mom . We are doing home hospice. As I walked out of the office trying not to gasp for air and through the filled waiting room I wondered, what do these people think seeing me leave holding back tears . They know why.. they have to. They know that one day, that will be them.. or their daughter. I got to the car and slammed the door and sobbed. Harder than I have in a long time. I can do this . I can do this. I can do this.

I called Randy. If you can hear a heart break,.. I heard his.

I came across the street to the hospital where Keith was with mom. I called him and asked him to come downstairs and bring a washcloth.. cold. Wet... He did. We sat in the hallway and talked. He was upset.. I was upset. He went home I went upstairs to face mom.

My eye problem I have been dealing with is in FULL SWING. I look like a raccoon with red circles around my eyes. As I walked in mom said " sis , your eyes sure are bad." Yes . mom they are .. these crazy allergies.

We have waited all day for Hospice.

I am sitting in the dark next to moms bed. She doesnt know yet. Although I think she suspects it. As I listen to her breath I realize the things about my mom I will miss. I 'll miss her strong faith and honest " tell it like it is " concern. I'll miss her yummy banana pudding. I'll miss her smile that hides so much pain. I am also convicted. I too am an " Im fine" girl. Many times, I have a smile that hides my pain.

With each breath , I wonder... what do you think about when you know you have just a few weeks to live? What do you want to do? What if it were me? Have I loved enough? Have I given enough ?

Im gonna miss mom. Today she said " Deb, when I turn this way, I can see David sitting right there." Is it possible? Is he sitting by her side waiting for her to join him?

I think so.

Daddy , she will be there soon. I hope in the mean time we make you proud.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I know better

Today, this week ( well, this whole year really, but who's taking score??) has been a little crazy. I am have learned not to blog when I am overwhelmed or emotionally fragile and just down right mad, so.. I should probably sign off now - but I wont. For some reason I feel like SPEWING all over the place and sharing my agitation with others. I know better.

We have been waiting two months on an inspection that determines our funding ( or lack of ) . I know I am good at what I do. I work endlessly in it. When I fill out something that ask for hobbies there are no spots for lamination or lesson planning, but in my case there needs to be. Rarely can I take a mental break from work. I am constantly on the next page of what I need to do. That isnt a bad thing and I am SO thankful that I LOVE my job... but waiting on this inspection is crazy. The sad part is - as ready as we are - the day could fall apart as they sometimes do with 16 preschoolers and all the mental and physical preparation would be in vain. I am not a good " waiter." I am exhausted. I know better.

My mom went to the doctor today. Her count is higher than it has ever been. When I go see her it sucks the life out of my as I watch her fade. I have to start finding the joy in spending the time with her and value the time I do have more than the time I will lose. I know better.

I hired a contractor to come do three odd jobs. He came . He asked to be paid. I asked what he did. He said " We did two jobs today." I paid him. I go look to find out even those two jobs are not complete and now he wont return my phone calls. Almost a THOUSAND DOLLARS. I am TOO TRUSTING. Of course the husband says I should have never paid him the full amount. You know what I say.. I shouldnt be handling this stuff anyway. If I am not doing it right....then PLEASE do it for me. PLEASE ( or shut up .) The end. One of us knows better.

Weight Loss. Slowly but surely it is coming off. I can tell a difference in my clothes. I am not the incredible shrinking man like Randy. He is 7o plus pounds less now. So.. whenever we are together, my 40 plus is unnoticed. waaaa.... I know better.

Birthdays. I am turning 44 tomorrow. Thankfully that isnt my bust size anymore, I guess that is a blessing.... It should be good. I am having one of " those weeks" ( you know... two workshops to do on Saturday and one isnt even WRITTEN YET.) . Randy said he heard Price Cutter has their greeting cards at 40% off ....yeah.. I know better.

My eyes. My eyes have been messed up for over a month now. When I girl is over weight you know what she hears a lot. BuT YOU HAVE SUCH PRETTY EYES... hmph... now what? I know better.

I cant get in touch with my tax person that I have used to four years. I finally went to a new one . He says.. she did it all wrong. Last year I had to pay in over 6,000. If SHE DID IT WRONG.. what WILL this year be.... Sometimes making more money isnt worth it. Ugh.. I knew better.

All in all my life is good. I have heard though that people that suppress feelings of anxiety have heart attacks. If that is true.. I hope those that are around me the most know CPR. I am a walking heart attack.

I need a break.

I need a break.

I need a break.

See.... now you are depressed too.

I knew better.