Unpacking

Randy and I have two concerts left. I am unpacking.  I know , I said we have two more but that just means ONE night away.     If you can imagine someone my size doing the hoochie momma dance, you can see me right now.   I also hear the song....

 

I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!

As I unpacked and start to put things away I am reminded of the grand illusions I thought this summer would hold for me.

For starters- lets take out the candles and matches. A while back someone gave me the cutest little tin with pink tea light candles in it.  Before we left, I thought our journey this summer might be a little romantic.  Yeah right... in a Motel 6?   Are you serious?  Excuse me honey while I go freshen up in the bathroom that has squeeze packets shampoo and a painted tub bottom from years of misuse.  There is no telling what is under that paint!  Yeah- 51 concerts later and those candles are still new!

Next up we can take out the bag full of books.  My hopes this summer was to catch up on all the reading I havent had time to do.   I had 5 or 6 books in there.  Here we are at the end of the summer and I read one.  Now granted, it was a good book.   ( Jen Lancaster, my new FAVORITE author has a humorous way of writing that makes the people at the good hotel wonder why I am so happy.)  I am not sure why I couldnt get involved in my books.   I will blame it on the Motel 6 as well.

Jewelry roll-  Now.. what was I thinking?   If you know me you know I like to accessorize. I mean, I truly believe that old saying - if you cant lose it, decorate it!    For every concert I wore black pants and a bright top.   So, I got used to just wearing black earrings and a black bead necklace . After each concert I would take it off and place it in the truck ash tray.  Geez, who needs a jewelry roll when you have a unused ashtray!  Maybe I was thinking I would spruce up for those nights out to dinner and dancing.  Last I checked - you didnt have to dress up much for Wendy's.

Leslie Sansones Power Walk.   At first my plan was to walk each morning before we started concerts.   After I realized I would need a security guard to accompany me in the neighborhoods

 I  was staying in , that idea got nixed quickly.  So I bought a copy of her three mile walk. If  I cant pick up the internet, I should be able to use my lap top somehow.  I did it about 4 times the whole two months.  The most exercise Leslie Sansone gave me on this trip was moving her DVD from one side of my purse to the other as I searched for  tip money after eating fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy.

Pretty negligee.... see top- candles.

Well, that is about all the unnecessary items for now.  I have a few things I will talk about on a later date that I needed but didnt have.  ( EX:   AIR FRESHNER  .  I mean seriously, I guess my house is big enough that I never realized how much a husbands  uh... restroom breaks.... can infiltrate a small room. And.. there is no where to run.  Yeah.. next year I bring air freshner.)

 

Mom

My heart is in my throat as I type. You know that feeling?

We went by this morning to see mom and dad. Mom was sitting in the living-room in the dark . She wasn't watching TV or reading or anything. Dad had ran to the bank. Mom looked so sad. I immediatly knew she wasn't doing well at all.

Mom said her stomach is hurting so bad. The first thing my mind reels to is that this is how it all started. She had stomach problems and went through doctor after doctor and no one knew what was wrong. Finally Dr Hill ran a test that showed an indicator of Cancer. Cancer....

We visit for a while and dad comes in. My brother Keith had taken all our reel to reel home movies and had them transferred to DVD. Dad had the second one. We watched 45 minutes of baby pictures and mom and dad. It was so hard. I just sat quietly... I knew if I opened my mouth the tears would start flowing. To watch my mom so happy and young and chasing me and Keith and all the wonderful Chistmases we had. Dad said over and over again.... Treasures, these are treasures. I know people get older and sickness comes and for some reason we never expect it. We think our parents will live forever . There were pictures of me as a newborn laying with my mom on her bed. Treasures....

Now, I come in and she cant get out of bed. In order to talk to her I go back to her room and sometimes she can't even lift her head.

Danielle went to visit the other night. She said her nanny couldn't get out of bed. She sat on the bed talking to her and she said the sweetest thing happened. She said dad came in and laid down beside her. ( Here comes that lump again.)

I called Dad while ago to see how mom was this afternoon. I could hear the sadness and frustration in his voice. The fear. He said " Deb, do you think the doctor has given up?" No dad, I don't think so. We talk a while longer and I listen to him vent and try to sound cheerful and hopeful. As I hung up the phone and hit the button - the tears burst out and I felt like I would throw up. I actually stood in the kitchen and gagged as the emotion of watching my mom suffer and listen to my dad hurt took over me. Randy hugged me. I try to stay so strong. But it hurts so bad . Then I feel awful, I am not the one sick...

Lord, please help me be strong. Oh , I know.. I think I am, but I am not. I want to go to my moms and be cheerful . I don't want to sit there and not be able to talk for fear that I will burst into selfish tears and upset everyone. I want to be able to listen to dad. I know that is important. I cant even imagine the emotions he is going through and the absolute fear that he is losing the woman he has been with for almost 50 years. Let me be the daughter he needs. I am someone to everyone it seems. Let me be what I need to be for my mom and dad.

This is one of my favorite songs: I have never sung it. Some songs are just too close to home.

The Warrior is a Child
	http://www.mp3lyrics.org/D6GO

http://www.mp3lyrics.org/D6GO Lately I've been winning battles left and right But even winners can get wounded in the fight People say that I'm amazing Strong beyond my years But they don't see inside of me I'm hiding all the tears And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down They don't know who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and cry for just a while 'Cause deep inside this armor The warrior is a child Unafraid because His armor is the best But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest [ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/D6GO ] People say that I'm amazing Never face retreat But they don't see the enemies That lay me at His feet And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down They don't know who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and cry for just a while 'Cause deep inside this armor The warrior is a child And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down They don't know who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and look up for a smile 'Cause deep inside this armor Deep inside this armor Deep inside this armor The warrior is a child

MaMa Mia Here I go Again...

I have been looking forward to going to see   Mama Mia.   I got to see it on stage at the Walton Arts Center so I knew it would be good.   The movie came out  Friday but we were still on the road .  Danielle, Cindy and I had a date to meet Saturday night to see it. Danielle had a friend with her so we piled in the front row ( you can put your feet on the railing there!).  We have popcorn in hand and huge diet cokes perched in the little holders - waiting for  the movie to start.  I realize right away that I am in trouble. This movie is about a young girl getting married---- much like Danielle.  There were a few uncomfortable times in the movie like when she and her mom got in an argument and she said " You don't want me to get married anyway.  Why cant you just be excited for me?"  I had a weird feeling of dread that there would be too many things in this movie that I had been looking forward to that would "hit home."   I mean, they live on an island in Greece.  We lived on Crete for a year.  Danielle will be moving to an island after she is married .  Her mom is having a hard time letting go and thinks Sophie is a little too young to get married.   Her mom has goats . Wait. I don't have a goat but anyway... We did find a few laughs during the movie.  I have Danielle convinced that  I will find out where her bachelorette party is and totally act out what Donna ( the mom) did for Sophie (  the daughter's) last night as a single woman.   I seriously think it would be fun to dress up and sing Abba songs !   There was a tear  jerker moment when Sohie was getting dressed for her wedding and her mom was helping her.  It reeled me forward to December when that will be me.  Can I let her go? Does she realize that I am just sad because she is my baby?   This is the song that Donna sang as she was getting Sophie ready to begin the next stage in her life.  Yeah... it got me.  I had a lump in my throat for quite a while.  

Slipping Through My Fingers.
Song by Siobhan McCarthy

DONNA:
Schoolbag in hand
She leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye
With an absent-minded smile
I watch her go
With a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm loosing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes
Her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake
I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone
There's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt
I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
Well some of that we did
But most we didn't
And why I just don't know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

DONNA & SOPHIE:
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers -

DONNA:
Schoolbag in hand
She leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile

Stupid Wi FI

We have been to this certain Motel 6 so many times now they give us a discount! The lady says " Hey, you're back...."  Yeah.. we are definitely back.  

I am sitting in the parking lot on the grassy knoll ( yes, Motel 6's have grassy knolls!).  This time I am in a room that isn't in the optimal zone for proper internet theft from the nice cozy hotel next door.   I am sitting near the pool. I went out thinking I would sit at a table and relax for a while on the computer but the gate  was locked. So, as desperate as I am to fill my time, I sit down in a lighted area on the curb. I have my diet Rite coke and my phone.   

As I gather my thoughts that are wanting to spill over onto the computer about my day- a female security guard walks up.  She said.. are you ok?  I replied " yes mam, I am just playing on the computer."  She hesitiates. I think to myself. I am totally going to jail for interenet theft. They do that right? I am a little nervoous. I am not a good liar.  If she ask if I am stealing WI FI I will have to say yes.   As I glance back up at her and see her tag it says some weird thing, but thankfully not candlewood suites security.  I , in my most southern hospitality way say- How are you tonight?  She says Good.  Quiet again.  Seriously, if you are gonna bust me for stealing internet, just do it.   I can see it on the front page now.  Up and coming children's musician goes to jail for internet theft.  Wow.. that would effect our gigs.  ( And just for the record I would totally blame it on Randy since he has me staying in this crummy hotel anyway. If I had picked the place to spend the night it WOULD have internet that you don't have to steal and nice comfy pillow , a wake up call that didn't include Tom Bodette and a blow dyer- among other things.)  I said do you patrol out here all night.  The conversation got even meatier:

Guard - lets call her Sally -  Yes

Debbie-  Do you get scared

Sally - points to her gun

( well.. I guess not!)

Debbie-  I would get scared

Sally- I have been a police officer for 36 years . I have only had to use my gun three times . All three times I took ' em down.   

( My eyes are huge- thinking I have a BORING life.)

Debbie-  You killed them?

Sally- No, I shot out thier knee caps , I always go for the knee caps.  They will always remember me with a limp

( well, I guess so.. )

I muttered something about why I was in LR and why I was in the crappy hotel.  ( Although , I am not sure why I felt the need to explain this to her.)

She tells me she usually stays in a chain like a motel 6 but they are much nicer; they have microwaves.  ( Randy brought microwave popcorm for late night snacking but we havent had a room that has a microwave yet!)

Sally- Yeah, I like my job.

Debbie- Am I safe, here - should I go in? ( stupid question)

sally- You will be fine. I will watch you. (She meant that...)

Sally 0 I dont like to hurt people.  But.... ( sally looks around as though someone has snuck up on us)  Let's just say you were sitting here and I came around the corner and someone had you by the neck like this. ( She has her hands around her neck.)  I would have to stop them somehow. And I would try to go for their knees. I look in the direction she had looked.  ( How much am I willing to sacrifice for internet connection?)  

Debbie- Do you see someone , should I leave?

Sally - No, I didn't mean to scare you, I am just giving you a "for instance"

My phone rings - it is Addam.

Debbie - I am sorry, I have to take this , it is my son.

Sally- That is ok, I will be back.

Sally did walk back by 3 more times before I got off the phone .  Looking behind the bushes and all. Was she just trying to scare me? Should I be afraid of HER?  

I decide to gather my belongings and take my naive self back into my crummy motel room.  As I get up Sally is on the third floor watching my every move.  I wave and say Thank you for keeping an eye on me- that I was going to go in.

Sally - Just doing my job.

I am back in my room.   The connection isn't too great but something told me I didn't need to sit in the parking lot of this motel 6.  Intuition?  Sally?

Till next time.

Ahhhh, I made a list!

So, I am home for two days . I am not sure how productive I have been but I sure feel better. I work for a while doing laundry and repacking for that inevitable trip to yet another Motel 6 then I sit and make a list.  I boxed up everything in the green room to get ready for painting.  I even taped off the baseboards and trim.  ( I did this for Randy. WHY waste precious time taping off? I mean if you paint like me, a little piece of blue tape isnt going to save anything around .)  Then I made a list.  I pulled the dead pieces off my porch flowers. Then I made a list.  I just LOVE lists.   I have been trying to figure out why I cant seen to work while we are gone.  I can't even seem to muster a good list while on the road.   I think I have decided it is the Motel 6 . I know we have been down this road before.  But I really do think it is.  I cant make a list laying in bed.  Well, I could but it wouldnt be one I would want published .   There is usually a straight , very uncomfortable desk chair in the room but it hasnt sparked my creativity either.  I havent gotten that one figured out yet.  Maybe it is because it is SO multipurpose.  You sit there to eat. You sit there to put on your makeup.  You sit there to pout ( because you would rather be at the Embassey Suites  .)  So, I just cant seen to sit there to work. 

Side Note -  We have figured out that Motel 6 does have a wake up call system  Tom Bodettte calls you and wishes you a happy birthday. Now that Randy knows this he calls every time just for fun.  Then at 7 am when the phone rings he hands me the phone and I hear Happy Birthday to You.. Happy Birthday to you... Yeah i know it isnt your birthday but I wanted to make sure if it was someone told you happy birthday...  Seriously, would it be a great birthday knowing you are waking up in a Motel 6? Especially next to this! 

One of the coolest list I made this weekend was for an automatic calling system .   When I need to get an important message to my preschool families I have 16 calls to make.  Since I am a talker, that means I am on the phone a LONG time.   This new system I can record a message into and it calls them all for me immediately.   LOVE IT!

I also made a list of the playground improvements I want Randy to make when we are finally home for those ten days before school starts.  He owes me that, right?

I made a list for Danielle. I am SURE she will  appreciate it.

I made a list of new things I want to try next year. I looked up tickets to Hawaii next May since Addam , Danielle AND Geneviette will be there by then.   I made up a cycle menu for next school year.   I figured out a budget so I can HOPEFULLY save money. 

List , List , List......

Does this mean that I have some sort of disorder? 

Home

Today we have one more concert , then we are headed home.  Home....  That means so many things.

It means that I get to see Danielle .   She will be full of excitement about her approaching wedding.   I thought a lot this time  I was gone.  There have been times she felt I wasn't as excited as she wanted me to be.  Is it because I dont know Justin?  Is it because I have had a marriage fail and I dont want that for her? Is it because I know our relationship will change forever?  DING DING DING!   Danielle and I have always been close.   ( Well, there was that little lag her freshman year in college where she traded me for drunk fraternity boys.)   Anyway, Danielle's loyalty and her strength will need to be directed to her new husband.  Can I deal with that?  Of course I can... I think.   I believe in marriage  and I will do anything to help her be successful - including telling her that she needs to talk to her husband about important issues, instead of me.  I will tell her not to tell me things out of emotion that will make me care less for my new son in law. ( We all have bad days right?)  I will tell her to spend time with her new inlaws even when I prefer she be with me.   I will tell her to use his credit cards instead of mine.  ( Now we are getting to the good stuff.)  I will tell her that being married isnt easy, it is work - but I am ready to let go and let her make her life....

I will get to see my mom.  One of the hard parts about being gone this summer is being gone from my mom.  I call each day.    She seems to have more good days lately than bad.  Her count is steadily going down. That is a good sign.   When I called one day this week she told me that a lady from church had passed away . She had cancer too.  I could hear the disappointment in my moms voice.  Almost a " will I be next?" sound.  Mom is ready to die if that time comes. I thought about that this week.  Will I be ready to let her go?  Can I be happy that she lived a good life and is in heaven?  That is a tough one.... I better chew on that one a while longer and just pray.

I will get to work in my flower beds.   I had decided not to do a lot in the yard or the porch this year since I wouldnt be home.   I have the little girl across the street watering .  When we went home last weekend, I couldnt believe in one week what a jungle my yard had become. So, I pulled. I cut. I trimmed.  When we bought our house there was nothing and now it is lush with perineeals .   So... pretty.  

Home....

One day this week we arrived at a library .  It was still an hour before the library opened.  There was a lady sitting outside ruffling through papers over and over again.  She was sitting on the curb.   She had a backpack and looked tired. Not really a sleepy tired - a life tired.  I asked the librarian as we set up our stuff if she was homeless and she said they thought maybe she was . She said every day the lady is there when they open and stays most of the day.

Home.  

I never know what I am going home to. Wedding plans.  Sick mom. Overgrown yard. But I am so glad I have a home to go "home to."