The Book

Last week I went to a site and had this blog printed in a hard back book from beginning up to the last entry before this one. When the book came in I cried. What I held in my hands could not be replaced or even a value put on it. It was my thoughts, my dreams, my laughter and my tears. Many years ago I gave my mom and dad a book to record their memories. They never finished it but the parts they did write in I love. You know what I mean - one of those books that ask you questions to prompt your memory and open discussions that you probably otherwise wouldn't have had ? The only problem with mom and dads book is that sometimes it is a little hard to read their writing. I know mine can be dreadful too. Knowing this, I have decided when my life is a little dull and I have nothing current to write about that is critical or amusing at the least , I will use the questions in the book to blog . Hopefully, it will serve as something for generations long from now to use to know more about me and who I am.

One of the questions that was in that book is " what is the most important thing you have learned?"

That is a tough one. I feel I have learned a lot in the 45 years ( I should say 46 since my birthday is next week but I think I will hang on to 45 a little longer.) The most important thing I have learned in my life that seems to come to me time and time again when I need it most is that God has a plan for my life. He knows me and He loves me and will never harm me. Knowing that everything happens for a reason makes even the roughest times bearable.

There are still things that have happened in my life that I scratch my head and say " what was the plan?" or "what good came from that?" As I have matured ( don't laugh ) I have realized that not all things will I see " THE END" And also it doesn't mean that every situation will turn out with someone riding off into the sunset on a white horse singing a song or rainbow with unicorns dancing around a pot of gold.

What are some of these unanswered questions you ask ?

What did my mom and dad die so young ? Sometimes when I see adults out to eat with their mom or dad I get sad and jealous and miss mine. I know they lived a full life . They were ready to meet the Savior, but I wasn't ready to let them go.

Why did my first marriage to Addam and Danielle's dad end - isn't marriage for forever ?

Life is about living in the moment but always being inspired by the past and challenged knowing that our choices affect the future . Notice I said, THE future and not MY future . Life is about more than just me. It is about the people that I love and people that I will never know. That is a pretty big pill to swallow , but I will take it.

The Man I Married

When I met Randy I was 32 and he was 46 . He managed a restaurant and sang the blues. No, I mean really.. really sang the blues. I loved hearing him sing some of his favorites from Keb Mo. I loved it so much in fact that for his first birthday that we celebrated together I treated him to a trip to Nashville to see Keb Mo. Pure Magic.

Randy dressed in khakis and button down shirts pressed and always smelled so good. He wore expensive cologne and his hair was always perfect. When I visited his house there were rare times that candles were not burning and music playing... always the romantic.

When we would go to eat it would always be at VERY nice places... even places that didnt have the prices listed on the menu and waiters stood around to jump at your every whim.

Do you have a good picture of who Randy was when I met him ?

That was about 12 years ago.

Last week we went on a carribean cruise.

Romantic right ?

Upscale right ?

I got a bad wrap for packing too much clothes but as we got in our cabin on the ship and I started to unpack his things. We had a tambourine.... a TAMBOURINE? Maracas ? A wooden thingy that makes music ? Did he have a gig on this boat and forgot to mention it ?

The first thing that Randy had to eat when he got on the " floating buffet " with gourmet cuisine ? A hot dog... Yes a hot dog.

We had 24 hour room service that was included in our all inclusive cruise price. Randy ordered it several times to get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yes... the moon , the boat, the music and a PB& J. Cant get any better right ?

My Randy from ten years ago is totally different from the man I am married to now. He probably would say the same about me.

Regardless its all still pure magic.

Most days.

Where I am now

I guess I have come to a part of my life that I say " Well, Deb, you must be officially matured because you have been through some crap lately and you aren't freaking out." So.. here I go.

" Well, Deb, you must be officially matured because you have been through some crap lately and you aren't freaking out."

Are the things I have been facing lately really just less dramatic than past circumstances or have I matured ? Am I eating to compensate for the stress ? Am I just crazy and I am not dealing with it by blocking it out , therefore it just seems less stressful.

Probably all of the above.

Over the holidays when my phone was dinging every ten minutes with yet another ( sorry ) but DUMB question or comment from a parent. Or I was receiving a phone call from a grandparents whining about why her grand daughters Letter to Santa wasn't in the paper I decided to change my cell number. "Well... if she came to school when she was supposed to and mom wasn't too lazy to drive her in this wouldn't even be an issue . So, before you start crawling up my back about a Letter to Santa maybe you should address your daughter about her parenting skills that most likely YOU passed on to HER." There.. I said it. Only in my head and here.. because I have better manners than to hurt someone that way. I wish people had the same respect for me.

I think I came dangerously close to having a mid life crisis. Ok Ok I did. I forgot to be thankful for what I have. I won't go into details but lets just say Mid Life crisis' are VERY REAL. It is like a cougar crawls inside your body and says.. you are getting OLD... LIVE! YOU DESERVE IT AT ANY COST ! Meow.... thankfully , I tamed the kitty before she did too much damage. ( Lord knows I committed several unspeakable sins in my head so the follow through wasn't necessarily needed. )

Danielle moved back home. So far so good. She is very responsible and we are loving having her here. The first few weeks she did have a little fun but I look at that as her coming out party. Coming out of a TERRIBLE relationship where a man made her feel less than worthy of anything she deserved. So party a little she did and I just smiled and made sure she was safe . There were a few that judged her. That is when you find out who your real friends are. You know them.. the friends who's kids are perfect. ............... so far.

The diet.

THE diet.

The DIET.

I just finished off a bag of carmel popcorn. I'll leave it at that.

I have so many more things to write about. I love blogging . It makes me feel better. I think I allowed face booking to take up this method of coping with life for me. And well. ... those one liner status updates aren't working for me much anymore. Here I can be myself. Here I can rant and rave and I don't have to worry if anyone "likes" it or not.

Happy to be back.

Life is like a railroad

Life is like riding a train . Sometimes slow and you can enjoy the scenery. Sometimes fast . Sometime you go in a tunnel and it is very dark but always.. there is a light as you come to the end.

This morning I got up and walked over 4 miles. It felt really good. I think I have made a turn in my thinking . When I got up working out was my third thought.

Thought one : Thanking the Lord for a new day and all the blessings.

Thought two: censored.

Thought three: I WANT TO GO WALK!

I thought I would never hear myself say I WANT to work out, but I did. Now, if this old body can just cooperate with me and get in shape, that would be great.

Ok, met me get back on track... get it ... track? Railroad track.

As I ride this journey of life out there are some things that I have learned.

When my train is slow I have learned :

To look and listen for blessings .. because we all know -

I have learned to enjoy those seated around me, they might not always be there.

I have learned to enjoy the slow paths because right around the curve might be a hill that causes me to race like a crazy woman.

When my train is fast I have learned to breath.... just breath.

I have learned to let others help pull me along, I cant do it alone.

Enjoy the breeze.. let my hair down and feel the peace blow through me.

When I go through a tunnel.

MAN, dont you hate the tunnels?

I have learned to keep my eyes open and try to adjust to the darkness so I can see but always know there is a light.

There is always a light.

There is always a light.

And last.. a train almost always carries baggage. I have a little myself. Some that no one even knows about. My baggage is heavy and can weigh me down. I need to unload it ever once in a while. If I dont unload it, I cant help carry anyone elses baggage and helping ... is important.

No sure where this blog came from or why...

but... toot toot.. it's over.

Seeking Shelter

Tonight there was a tornado warning. In all honesty if a HUGE tornado had not just hit Joplin and killed several people, I think I might have not looked for a " fraidy" hole. Well, also - my grand daughter was at the shelter and the thought of being anywhere but where SHE was during a bad storm made me ill. There is just something about being near your kids when there is imminent danger.

The tornado's passed by us. Thank the Lord we are all safe.

We went by and picked up Addam on our way to JBU. He came; but reluctantly. You could tell that he thought it was stupid. Addam does NOT like crowds... As we walked into the JBU Health Complex and you could see huge crowds of people he paused and I heard him quietly groan.

What he doesnt know is that the only other time in my life I have been to a storm shelter was when I was EXTREMELY pregnant with him. We lived in Fort Walton Beach and there was a hurricane warning. The doctor suggested since I was ready to deliver to stay at the hospital. I was near time so I secretly hoped that barometric pressure would dip or surge ( WHATEVER they expected) and cause his little body to make it's entrance. He didnt... he stayed very quiet all night and waited in the hallways for the danger to pass.

Much like tonight..... very quiet... and waiting for the storm to pass.

I DO appreciate him and love that he gave in to my panic to be near them and went with us.

Thanks Addam :)

The New Me

The New Me -

loves to read again.

Likes to shop - a little too much.

is leading a Bible study ( I know... right ?)

is becoming a little eccentric.

Loves monkey's in clothing pictures. ( see above )

Likes to work out ( as long as I dont forget my sports bra... otherwise dangerous. )

Doesnt wear my shirts quite as low cut .

Loves to cook every night ( but never gets around to it. )

thinks almonds are over rated.

Wants to write a love story.. or song.

will almost... a.l.m.o.s.t. look at herself in the mirror while getting out of the shower.

wore fake eyelashes once and now I am dying to do it again.

loves red dresses almost as much as black

wants to go on a cruise

sometimes wishes she could go away and pretend to be someone else- someone without expectations.

is driven but in a different way... driven to live not succeed.

believes that living is success.

still loves making memories.

The new me... is a lot like the old me ; only better and

a

little

more

honest

with

herself.

The Different Christmas

This Christmas was different. This year, was the first without mom . As I busied myself getting ready for the holiday festivities I couldnt help but think about my mom and how hard last Christmas had to have been for my mom. It was her first without my dad. She tried so hard to be strong... and she was . I tried to be strong this year. I think I have a little of my mom's courage and determination ... or maybe I'm just stubborn and hard. This Christmas was different.

I replaced a lot of my old decorations with new bright eccentric whimsical ones. I love them. They were a signature of my year and the new outlook I have . If it makes me smile , isnt a sin against God and doesnt hurt anyone - WHY NOT!? So, I started collecting monkey pictures. Not just normal monkeys but monkeys in clothes. I LOVE them! New home decor incorporating silly monkeys that make me smile and new whimsical pretties for the holidays.

Then there were the little changes - like instead of turkey we had ham. Instead of Christmas Eve with my brother we did it on a Monday night the week before. I moved the tree that has ALWAYS been in the foyer to the dining room. We had three parties within a week and a half and I used a lot of boxes instead of wrapping paper - ha !

This year we got to see Geneviette wake up and find that Santa had come to our house. What a joy to see the belief. The night before we watched a video message from Santa. G's eyes were as big as buttons. Some people believe playing Santa is a lie and wrong to tell children. So is saying " Honey, I'll help you in just a minute " while you talk on the phone and know it will be 20 more minutes. So, I chose to be honest when it counts and BELIEVE ! She knows Christmas is to celebrate Christ's birthday. Get over it.. :)

This year we had a new , different family with us. Randy's new found son Jonathon and his family came to visit. We had a grand time getting to know them better and figuring out how we all will fit together as a family. Adding 6 over night can really add to the chaos of Christmas. We went to Branson for a few days. The last thing we did was go see " The Christmas Miracle". " The Christmas Miracle" is about the birth of Christ. At one point as a host of angels was singing " Glory to God" I turned to look at Randy and his eyes were filled with tears. I knew at that moment he was thinking the same thing I was - wow.. mom and dad and his mom and son are all up there.. singing right now at the throne of God. What a precious moment as our hearts were meeting at the same time and place. The time with Jonathon and his sweet family was well spent. I know this is the first of many different Christmas's with them.

Yes, this Christmas was different but in many ways and the most important ways it was the same. Our kids were here to celebrate with us. We are blessed with too much - stuff. And Jesus is still the reason for the season.