Hospice and the Long Good Bye

I am sitting in the dark next to my moms hospital bed waiting on the hospice doctor to come in. It is 9:25 pm, so perhaps I should realize that wont be tonight. Lets go back a few days.

Mom's health has been deteriorating rapidly. She has no sense of night or day and gets confused easy. As a family we decided we would take turns getting her in routine. Every morning I have been going and waking her up and getting her breakfast, making sure she takes her medicines and letting the dog out. Yesterday morning when I went in I let the dog out and popped in her room with my usual " too perky in the morning" GOOD MOOORning MOM. I looked at her bed and it was empty. For a brief second I felt optimistic that she had beat me up and was in the bathroom. As I started in the room, I realized how wrong I was, she was on the floor. I said . " Mom.." She said " I am ok, I just fell " I couldn't get her in bed and had to call for help. Surprisingly , I remained calm. I knew we had to get some answers to this drastic change in her . Keith and I brought mom to her oncologist and they gave her some IV meds, but still no answered questions. At one point in the day, one of the nurses asked me " were we comfortable taking her home ? " Well, I was a little nervous before but now that you asked.. I am VERY nervous about it. They decide to admit mom to Washington Regional. Keith stays the night. I get up and have an appointment with moms doctor at 8:30. I want to ask the BIG questions. These are questions that I think I know the answer to ,but I have to hear it from him.

As I sit in the waiting area of the oncologist office I am looking around the room. So many different people. An older lady walked by and commented on my sandals . " How cute". She sat with her husband. They were BOTH seeing the doctor and getting treatments. What an ordeal that must be. I doubt it is at all like the buddy system in weight watchers. There was a VERY young girl.. how scared she must be. As I looked around me I realized that although we all came from different walks of life, we were all going through the same things. They call my moms name.

I go back.

And wait.

And wait.

Dr Travis comes in and listens to me. He basically tells me that mom has fought a good fight. The treatments have taken a toll on her body and her mind. He said that dads death was hard on her. That mom is an " I'm fine" lady. No matter what happens in life she is " fine". He feels like she internalized all the feelings of loss with daddy. That, her health , the treatments all come down to one thing. A few weeks. A few weeks.... I took a deep breath. You mean, we have a few weeks left ? Yes... Whether we do treatment or not.

Wow.. I am going to lose my mom not even 6 months after losing my dad. Seriously? wow.

As Dr Travis and I finished our discussion he told me that hospice would be over to the hospital to set up a plan for mom . We are doing home hospice. As I walked out of the office trying not to gasp for air and through the filled waiting room I wondered, what do these people think seeing me leave holding back tears . They know why.. they have to. They know that one day, that will be them.. or their daughter. I got to the car and slammed the door and sobbed. Harder than I have in a long time. I can do this . I can do this. I can do this.

I called Randy. If you can hear a heart break,.. I heard his.

I came across the street to the hospital where Keith was with mom. I called him and asked him to come downstairs and bring a washcloth.. cold. Wet... He did. We sat in the hallway and talked. He was upset.. I was upset. He went home I went upstairs to face mom.

My eye problem I have been dealing with is in FULL SWING. I look like a raccoon with red circles around my eyes. As I walked in mom said " sis , your eyes sure are bad." Yes . mom they are .. these crazy allergies.

We have waited all day for Hospice.

I am sitting in the dark next to moms bed. She doesnt know yet. Although I think she suspects it. As I listen to her breath I realize the things about my mom I will miss. I 'll miss her strong faith and honest " tell it like it is " concern. I'll miss her yummy banana pudding. I'll miss her smile that hides so much pain. I am also convicted. I too am an " Im fine" girl. Many times, I have a smile that hides my pain.

With each breath , I wonder... what do you think about when you know you have just a few weeks to live? What do you want to do? What if it were me? Have I loved enough? Have I given enough ?

Im gonna miss mom. Today she said " Deb, when I turn this way, I can see David sitting right there." Is it possible? Is he sitting by her side waiting for her to join him?

I think so.

Daddy , she will be there soon. I hope in the mean time we make you proud.

I know better

Today, this week ( well, this whole year really, but who's taking score??) has been a little crazy. I am have learned not to blog when I am overwhelmed or emotionally fragile and just down right mad, so.. I should probably sign off now - but I wont. For some reason I feel like SPEWING all over the place and sharing my agitation with others. I know better.

We have been waiting two months on an inspection that determines our funding ( or lack of ) . I know I am good at what I do. I work endlessly in it. When I fill out something that ask for hobbies there are no spots for lamination or lesson planning, but in my case there needs to be. Rarely can I take a mental break from work. I am constantly on the next page of what I need to do. That isnt a bad thing and I am SO thankful that I LOVE my job... but waiting on this inspection is crazy. The sad part is - as ready as we are - the day could fall apart as they sometimes do with 16 preschoolers and all the mental and physical preparation would be in vain. I am not a good " waiter." I am exhausted. I know better.

My mom went to the doctor today. Her count is higher than it has ever been. When I go see her it sucks the life out of my as I watch her fade. I have to start finding the joy in spending the time with her and value the time I do have more than the time I will lose. I know better.

I hired a contractor to come do three odd jobs. He came . He asked to be paid. I asked what he did. He said " We did two jobs today." I paid him. I go look to find out even those two jobs are not complete and now he wont return my phone calls. Almost a THOUSAND DOLLARS. I am TOO TRUSTING. Of course the husband says I should have never paid him the full amount. You know what I say.. I shouldnt be handling this stuff anyway. If I am not doing it right....then PLEASE do it for me. PLEASE ( or shut up .) The end. One of us knows better.

Weight Loss. Slowly but surely it is coming off. I can tell a difference in my clothes. I am not the incredible shrinking man like Randy. He is 7o plus pounds less now. So.. whenever we are together, my 40 plus is unnoticed. waaaa.... I know better.

Birthdays. I am turning 44 tomorrow. Thankfully that isnt my bust size anymore, I guess that is a blessing.... It should be good. I am having one of " those weeks" ( you know... two workshops to do on Saturday and one isnt even WRITTEN YET.) . Randy said he heard Price Cutter has their greeting cards at 40% off ....yeah.. I know better.

My eyes. My eyes have been messed up for over a month now. When I girl is over weight you know what she hears a lot. BuT YOU HAVE SUCH PRETTY EYES... hmph... now what? I know better.

I cant get in touch with my tax person that I have used to four years. I finally went to a new one . He says.. she did it all wrong. Last year I had to pay in over 6,000. If SHE DID IT WRONG.. what WILL this year be.... Sometimes making more money isnt worth it. Ugh.. I knew better.

All in all my life is good. I have heard though that people that suppress feelings of anxiety have heart attacks. If that is true.. I hope those that are around me the most know CPR. I am a walking heart attack.

I need a break.

I need a break.

I need a break.

See.... now you are depressed too.

I knew better.

Everyone needs somebody

Today was moms birthday.

Today was her first birthday without dad.

As I was leaving her house Geneviette says " Is nanny taking good care of pawpaws truck?"

Me- Yes, why?

G- Who's gonna drive it now?

Me- I guess no one. Nanny offered it to me and to Uncle Keith but we dont need it.

G- Oh, Whats she going to do with it?

Me- I dont know.

G- Do we come see nanny because she is alone?

Me- Yes

G- PawPaws in Heaven

Me Yes he is. What do you think about that?

G- Will Nanny ever get another husband?

Me- I doubt it G.

G- Why?

Me- She is older and doesnt feel very well.

G- She needs someone.

Me- Why?

G- So she wont be alone.

I almost cried. What a deep thinker and loving heart my beautiful grand daughter has at four years old. Precious , precious times. I told mom about our conversation. She teared up too.

Happy Birthday Mom.

The best present wasnt given too you, it was from you. A heart that loves and a family that cares. I hope my legacy of love is as strong as yours.

The Journey of Becoming Older

I wasnt sure what to title this blog. This morning as I checked my facebook account I saw my cousin had posted to pray for my Aunt Patsy, she has had a heart attack. How does this happen that one day you are young and playing.. then growing up and getting married and then you get to this stage in life. The stage where you see your parents get sick . You see your parents leave this earth and go to Heaven. You see all the older people that have been such a large part of your life... start to pass away.. one by one..

I am so thankful I went to the family reunion this past October. I went back and read what I had wrote about it.

One of the things that stood out to me over and over again while at our festivities were the looks on my aunts and uncles faces. I remember as a kid lots of laughter and fun. I think maybe I got my " funny side" from the Prince family. My moms family is an " easy to smile" family. This trip as I looked around the room I didnt see as much laughter and smiles. My moms brothers and sisters are all in thier 60 -80's now. I saw an older generation looking and remembering and maybe even a look of sadness. Was it a look that seemed to whisper " This may be the last time I am here"? Was it a look that said " Times have changed"? Several times I wanted to ask " what are you thinking about ?" but I didnt want to break their silence and wasn't sure I could handle the answer I got. Sadness...

I know it is inevitable that generations will pass. We expect it. We prepare for it. But it still hurts...

Dads Jacket and Hat

My dad passed away the 18th of December .I havent written about it because I am not ready yet. The hardest part has been seeing my mom deal with his death. FORTY EIGHT and A HALF years they were married. That is a long time. Mom has cancer. We don't know how long she will live. When this happened she cried so hard and said " I can't do this without him." over and over and over.... I just put my arms around her as she sobbed.

My mom is strong.

Very Strong.

Yesterday she broke down and said " It has been two weeks since we buried your dad."

Tonight when I went in his jacket and his hat were not on the rack anymore.

I didnt say anything.

As I see my mom get better each day, I see more and more things of my dads move. I am not sure where they are going. She asked me did I want his Bible.. not yet. I dont want his Bible yet. I dont know that I am ready to hold it in my hands with his name on the front and realize even more , that never again will he read it.

Oh.. I know.. he doesnt have to. He is sitting at the authors feet.

But it still makes me sad.

I am taking the hat and the jacket as a sign. A sign that my mom is healing and that is a good thing.

But .. it still makes me sad.

Good Bye Fred

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster ( of sorts - maybe that was a little dramatic ) for me.

First there was the pomerian that showed up in our house a couple weeks ago.

Then it left.... it was meant to be. Long story.... ( I have copied and pasted this part of the story from my preschool blog )

My dad passed away Friday the 18th. The funeral was Monday the 21st.

On Tuesday the 22nd , Danielle and I are out shopping and Randy says to " Hurry home, he has a surprise for me." I called my mom and she said the same thing. So we hurry home. Geneviette ( the four year old grandbaby ) is at the fence with her arms stretched out as far as they will go yelling " Don't look ! It's a puppy and it's for Christmas!"

Seems the neighbor heard about our plight with the pomeranian and thought we really wanted a dog. Some elderly people around the block had a dog they couldnt take care of and thought we would make a good home. Lydia said " God has blessed you with this dog." I think Randy was so shocked he didnt know what to say... and how do you argue with God ?

So.. meet Fred. Fred is here to stay and fits in our home so well. He is great with

Geneviette which hopefully means he will be great when preschool starts. I have already emailed our environmental rating scale observer about the implications of having a dog in the home with the kids. We will make it work.

I love Fred already.

Today : The end of the story.

I had not been by to thank the elderly couple that gave the dog to us ( through neighbors ) and I was taking Fred to the vet and decided today was the right time. I rang the door bell and no one came. As I got to the truck this little old lady opened the door and sweetly called " FREEEDDDIEEE" . I took Fred to her and quickly realized how much she loved Fred. She invited me in and we talked about how much she misses him. She said every day she has gotten up and ached missing this little dog. ( Understandingly so- cute and precious as he is .) I asked her did she want him back and she cried and said " Yes.. I do" I choked back the tears knowing what I needed to do and said " I will go home and get all his stuff and bring it back to you." She said ' I thought this morning I heard him in the hall way when I woke up, I thought my daughter had brought him home to me. My daughter passed away two years ago today." I am getting really choked up. Having just lost my dad , I know the pain she must be feeliing. I again said " Well, I will go home and get his stuff and you wont be missing him anymore." She said "I dreamed my Debbie had brought him back to me." I said... " Who? What did you say?" She replied " My daughter that passed away two years ago, her name was Debbie." I said ' Do you know what my name is?" She said " no mam" I said , " My name is Debbie and it looks like Debbie has brought your little dog back to you just when you needed it most." At this point my tears are flowing and I hugged her and came home to get his stuff. By the time I made it back to her house, the tears were gone. I took the kennel in with all the accessories we had bought him . including his stylish new red parka for Christmas. I unloaded it all in his spot in her house. I took his dish to the sink and got him water and filled his food bowl. I hugged her again and told her if she ever feels again like she cant take care of him to call. We can help out or take him back.. what ever is needed. I think Fred is an angel. Or maybe my friend Dana was right when she said that my daddy has already charmed an angel and thought I needed Fred for a few days. I think Fred came to me when I needed him most and I think I took him back when his really mommy needed him more.

Who would think on THE day TWO years ago the she lost her daughter DEBBIE, that I would stop by to say thank you....

Somehow I think I havent seen the last of Fred.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

I just finished putting up the Christmas tree after the boxes were on the porch for a full week. I have decided that we are becoming the red neck family that stores stuff on the porch. Have you ever driven by a house and the front of it had boxes, old cars and goats? Did you wonder how they got to that point? Let me tell you... one Christmas box at a time.

Putting up the tree has always been a tradition for Danielle and I the day after Thanksgiving. Since she isn't here, I figured I might as well break them all and I am just now getting around to decorating a little. Another thing we always did was each kid put their own Christmas ornaments on, which in some way symbolized the year. When Addam and Danielle got married I gave them their ornaments for their first Christmas tree away from home. But.. that is another blog for another day. :)

As I put the ornaments on the tree tonight it was like a trip down memory lane.

There was the ornament from Nashville Tenn . I took Randy there for his birthday the year before we got married. Yes, the year before. What a sinner.

Then there is the bride and groom with 2002 on it. We always confuse the year. So glad once a year to confirm it and be sure.

There were several ornaments from old daycare children. Several were from Skyler Ames- such a beautiful girl.. then and now. I even had a few " teacher ornaments" from kids that might should have been retired or broken when they left, just to assure no children like them come along behind.

I have ornaments that hung on my tree as a child. Some my mother had made....some that I just remember.

There are homemade ones that Scott, Randy's son made. He died in a car crash before we were married. I wonder what his life would be like now, if he had lived? I wonder would he have liked me or if I would have been the mean evil step mother...

SHINY! After the kids ornaments were gone the tree was a little bare so of course I bought new ones that are huge and sparkly.

I wonder how much the little Ronald McDonald ornaments are that I got when I was 16 and worked at McDonalds?

There are several from Hawaii and our trips there and one that Addam and Lauren sent to us.

This year I have a few from Geneviette that were bought last year and the first one from preschool she made TODAY! I am SO excited. NO one.. will be getting these ornaments.. until I am dead.

Take notice.

My Christmas tree isnt anything like the ones I saw yesterday on the tour of homes with friends but then again.. they havent lived my life . I would bet a few of them would trade their fancy tree's for all the memories I have on mine.

My Christmas memory tree.