How should I feel?

On Monday, Danielle and Addams dad passed away. Allen and I were married for 16 years. He was the boy next door - the one that we played with all the time. We would run from one swimming pool to the next. Allen and my brother always picked on me and dunked me under the water. I would tattle tale... the rest as they say is history.

Allen was my first true love. He was a lot of my first. He was also my first huge heart break. When our marriage ended , I thought I would die. For weeks I couldnt sing in church, it hurt too bad. I have never had bad feelings against Allen for the way our life turned out. Not quite the fairy tale I had imagined or planned... at least not planned by me.

When I got the call that Allen was dead my initial reaction was pain for Addam and Danielle. Yeah, they are grown now but no matter how old you are it still hurts to lose your mom or dad. Here in the middle of the Christmas season and planning Danielle's wedding --- so much to think about.

The shock for the kids has eased and suits have been bought ...
Flowers have been ordered and schedules tightened a little.

How am I suppose to feel?

Like an idiot, I even googled ( exhusbands funeral) to see if anyone brighter than myself had any insight. No.... It is like a huge elephant in the room. Randy has been very supportive and understanding of my emotional rollercoaster right now. He has given me the time with Addam and Danielle that I need.

But seriously, how am I supposed to feel?

There is part of me that feels vindicated like... see, I did the right thing when I left. He did have a problem. There is another part of my that just yearns to see the "well Allen" that was such a great dad when the kids were smaller and that loved me unconditionally. There is part of me that is angry that our children have to hurt again. Couldnt he just get better? There is the servant part of me that wants to reach out and help his new wife ( Debbie also ) with her grief and guilt. She has no reason to feel guitly.. but I hear it in her voice. Then.. I am just sad.

Seriously.. how am I supposed to feel?