My heart is in my throat as I type. You know that feeling?
We went by this morning to see mom and dad. Mom was sitting in the living-room in the dark . She wasn't watching TV or reading or anything. Dad had ran to the bank. Mom looked so sad. I immediatly knew she wasn't doing well at all.
Mom said her stomach is hurting so bad. The first thing my mind reels to is that this is how it all started. She had stomach problems and went through doctor after doctor and no one knew what was wrong. Finally Dr Hill ran a test that showed an indicator of Cancer. Cancer....
We visit for a while and dad comes in. My brother Keith had taken all our reel to reel home movies and had them transferred to DVD. Dad had the second one. We watched 45 minutes of baby pictures and mom and dad. It was so hard. I just sat quietly... I knew if I opened my mouth the tears would start flowing. To watch my mom so happy and young and chasing me and Keith and all the wonderful Chistmases we had. Dad said over and over again.... Treasures, these are treasures. I know people get older and sickness comes and for some reason we never expect it. We think our parents will live forever . There were pictures of me as a newborn laying with my mom on her bed. Treasures....
Now, I come in and she cant get out of bed. In order to talk to her I go back to her room and sometimes she can't even lift her head.
Danielle went to visit the other night. She said her nanny couldn't get out of bed. She sat on the bed talking to her and she said the sweetest thing happened. She said dad came in and laid down beside her. ( Here comes that lump again.)
I called Dad while ago to see how mom was this afternoon. I could hear the sadness and frustration in his voice. The fear. He said " Deb, do you think the doctor has given up?" No dad, I don't think so. We talk a while longer and I listen to him vent and try to sound cheerful and hopeful. As I hung up the phone and hit the button - the tears burst out and I felt like I would throw up. I actually stood in the kitchen and gagged as the emotion of watching my mom suffer and listen to my dad hurt took over me. Randy hugged me. I try to stay so strong. But it hurts so bad . Then I feel awful, I am not the one sick...
Lord, please help me be strong. Oh , I know.. I think I am, but I am not. I want to go to my moms and be cheerful . I don't want to sit there and not be able to talk for fear that I will burst into selfish tears and upset everyone. I want to be able to listen to dad. I know that is important. I cant even imagine the emotions he is going through and the absolute fear that he is losing the woman he has been with for almost 50 years. Let me be the daughter he needs. I am someone to everyone it seems. Let me be what I need to be for my mom and dad.
This is one of my favorite songs: I have never sung it. Some songs are just too close to home.
|The Warrior is a Child |