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This week my moms tumor markers went up higher than they were when she was diagnosed. She has had to take chemo every day this week and get shots for her bone marrow. I guess getting so much chemo kills whatever is there, and this shot is supposed to help. She looks really good though. On days she looks so good and is up moving around it is easy to just remember her the way she has always been and overlook the fact that we might lose her one day.
When I got up and called her to see what time she wanted me to pick her up to head to her appointment she told me she had an errand to run. She had bought Keith ( my brother) a blazer and wanted to exchange it. " Mom, why did you buy Keith a blazer?" ( He is NOT a blazer wearing type of guy.) Mom's reply was " just in case he needs it for a special occasion." Well, I know my mom well enough to know, she is planning for her funeral. She wants to make sure that is one less thing that my brother has to do and she also - wants him to look nice. I bawled and I bawled.
Why was I so upset?
Mom says I cant sit still. I am so much like her. I mean, here she is planning people's wardrobe for her own funeral when she should just be enjoying life and taking care of herself. There has to be a lesson in that somewhere for me.
Is she really THAT sick? Does she sense something that we don't know? Is she really about to go see the Lord?
When she did this.... I had to face the fact once again, that I might lose my mom and it might be sooner than I think. No matter how good she looks and how much she is getting around she is still very sick. If it wasn't for that darn blazer I could continue to think and say " She is doing SO good " and avoid that possibility that she really isn't.
I wondered how my brother handled all of this. Did he realize what she was doing as he tried it on. I called Pam. She said he came home and cried and cried. He would stop and then start back again. It broke his heart.
I can't imagine.
I am sure mom was right there making sure it fit just right and asking him did it feel ok. All the while- he was choking back tears in his new blazer.
2 comments:
I wish I had read this earlier, I would have called you. I am crying with you, Debbie. Having lost dad, I hurt for you. Our parent's mortality is so hard to face. They've been there for us all our lives, how can we possibly imagine life without them? This I have learned since losing dad - he never really leaves me. Each day something reminds me of him, and the good memories keep him alive in my heart. I still miss him, I still pick up the phone to call him, and then cry when I remember he isn't there. But I can celebrate all I learned from him.I am glad you are with your mom so much. I know it must be so hard.
I will be praying...and if you need me, call anytime, night or day. Even if you just need a dry shoulder to cry on...or someone to cry with you. Remember usually it's easier to get me at the home number rather than the cell.
Deb,
My heart is breaking about this, and I could kick myself for my selfishness through the years. I love your mom for the kindnesses she showed us when I was growing up--and, importantly, after we had moved away. I wish I had kept those things more close to my heart after I had become an adult.
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