This week my moms tumor markers went up higher than they were when she was diagnosed. She has had to take chemo every day this week and get shots for her bone marrow. I guess getting so much chemo kills whatever is there, and this shot is supposed to help. She looks really good though. On days she looks so good and is up moving around it is easy to just remember her the way she has always been and overlook the fact that we might lose her one day.
When I got up and called her to see what time she wanted me to pick her up to head to her appointment she told me she had an errand to run. She had bought Keith ( my brother) a blazer and wanted to exchange it. " Mom, why did you buy Keith a blazer?" ( He is NOT a blazer wearing type of guy.) Mom's reply was " just in case he needs it for a special occasion." Well, I know my mom well enough to know, she is planning for her funeral. She wants to make sure that is one less thing that my brother has to do and she also - wants him to look nice. I bawled and I bawled.
Why was I so upset?
Mom says I cant sit still. I am so much like her. I mean, here she is planning people's wardrobe for her own funeral when she should just be enjoying life and taking care of herself. There has to be a lesson in that somewhere for me.
Is she really THAT sick? Does she sense something that we don't know? Is she really about to go see the Lord?
When she did this.... I had to face the fact once again, that I might lose my mom and it might be sooner than I think. No matter how good she looks and how much she is getting around she is still very sick. If it wasn't for that darn blazer I could continue to think and say " She is doing SO good " and avoid that possibility that she really isn't.
I wondered how my brother handled all of this. Did he realize what she was doing as he tried it on. I called Pam. She said he came home and cried and cried. He would stop and then start back again. It broke his heart.
I can't imagine.
I am sure mom was right there making sure it fit just right and asking him did it feel ok. All the while- he was choking back tears in his new blazer.